Overwhelmed and searching--Grief and healing

The door creaks. The cobwebs entangle. The dust chokes.
"Helloooooooo? Anybody home?" 

I don't know why I picked today to visit my own abandoned blog. Could it be that I feel overwhelmed and could it be that I thought my old blog would be a place I could hide? Mmmm, could be. As long as I'm hiding out here, I can avoid all the housework and sewing projects that are screaming at me. Or maybe I came here searching for something? Or someone? Some days I feel  like I have misplaced my purpose, and my brain. And myself.

Yeah, I think that's it. I'm feeling overwhelmed AND I'm searching. Have you ever been overwhelmed? Have you ever been on a search?

I love the definitions provided by Dictionary.com

o·ver·whelm [oh-ver-hwelm, -welm] verb (used with object)
1.  to overcome completely in mind or feeling: 

2.  to overpower or overcome, especially with superior forces; destroy; crush: 

3.  to cover or bury beneath a mass of something, as floodwaters, debris, or an avalanche; submerge

4.  to load, heap, treat, or address with an overpowering or excessive amount of anything:

5.  to overthrow.

search [surch]verb (used with object)
1.  to go or look through (a place, area, etc.) carefully in order to find something missing or lost: 

2.  to look at or examine (a person, object, etc.) carefully in order to find something concealed:

3.  to explore or examine in order to discover.

4.  to look at, read, or examine (a record, writing, collection, repository, etc.) for information:

5.  to look at or beneath the superficial aspects of to discover a motive, reaction, feeling, basic truth,etc. (my favorite)

Let's back up a minute. Or several months.

My last post here was in June, 2013. I mentioned a new day that was dawning. Daily life for hubby and me changed because of his shift in careers. That type of change, like a pebble boulder pitched in a lake, creates a wake that reaches far into the future. My life will be forever different, like it or not. That change brought me grief. Downright, honest to goodness, tear producing grief. I felt a little silly about that, but what can I say? If you have followed this blog, I think you have a pretty good idea how much I enjoyed My Dashing and Bold Adventure. The end of that life's chapter made me sad. There. I admit it! (Does such public honesty make you squirm? It does me! I'm squirming over here, just so you know.) That sadness, sometimes, is overwhelming.

When I wrote that last post, I thought I was starting to get a grip on the new day that was coming up over the horizon of my personal timeline.

It is possible to be sad about something that you've lost and at the same time be confident that the new thing that comes to fill the void is part of God's plan for you--your hope and your future. 

I thought I had a pretty good idea what to expect and how to deal with it.

Little did I know...

For the last several years my father complained of pains in his chest (and various other places) and and an overwhelming tiredness or weakness. For the last several years, visits to the doctor were futile.  On July 4, 2013, my father was hospitalized because of his pain and weakness. Finally, a diagnosis! MDS (Myelodysplastic Syndrome)

The months that immediately followed seem now to be a blur. Because my parents lived a three hour drive from here (where dad received treatment), my home became their home one week out of every month, with more visits in between, while dad took chemotherapy treatments and blood transfusions.  Yes, a new day was coming--an unexpected day, one that I had no idea how to handle.

Five chemo treatments and a several units of blood failed to produce the positive results for which we had all hoped. On November 21, 2013, dad decided to start home hospice care in my home. Thirty days later Daddy traded his weak, exhausted body of flesh and the temporal things of this earth for a new, unfathomable life to be lived, eternally, in the presence of the LORD! Daddy's ultimate new day has come.

Those six months of offering hospitality and care to my parents I will cherish as long as I live.

Even sad memories become sweet when love abounds.

My youngest daughter and my precious parents. 

Deep down I always saw myself as a daddy's girl. I still do. Though my mother is alive and we have a good relationship, my father's passing left me feeling somewhat orphaned. Not every day, but some days, that orphan feeling is overwhelming.

A few other things have taken place in the recent months that have not touched me directly but have been devastating or at least life changing for other people I know and love. I've shared and felt their grief in the private corner of my soul where I go to hide and cry and petition my God. It's all been...I hate to wear out one word, but...OVERWHELMING! (Feel free to go back up and read the definitions again. Every single one applies.)

 Like that avalanche in #3 above, this whole overwhelmed thing has gotten out of control. It has rolled over my emotional, knocked down my mental, crashed into my physical, and is headed straight for my spiritual with destruction as its intent. It's got to be stopped! How do you stop an overwhelmation? (Yes that's a real word because I just invented it.)

Thus the search begins.

I've avoided this blog, my memories of how life was, because it made me sad. I've been running ahead of the avalanche, refusing to look back because I can't stand the pain, and I'm sick of tears and snot. I think I've been trying to bring about some sort of closure. So here I am, in search of an air hole from under everything that suffocates and overwhelms me at the moment (including the piles of laundry and layers of dirt in my house). I'm trying to face the avalanche head on. I'm searching for myself, that old woman girl who loves to look at life from a quirky angle. I'm searching for a better place than where I am now. I'm searching for a way to REALLY deal with that new day that popped up over the horizon.

God's Word promises that if we seek, we will find. Do you want to know what I'm finding? (Say yes because it's profound and you really do want to know.) I'm finding stuff that makes me laugh. Again. I'm finding a personality that is a unique crafting of the hand of God.  I'm finding a God who deeply loves me and forgives me and cares for me and entertains me and guides me and protects me and provides for me... (Forgive me if this sounds narcissistic. It's not about me, it's about my GOD!)

 I am not finding closure, and I'm glad. All of the days of my life past are such an important part of who I am now, and merely stepping stones to where I am going. To shut those memories up, to close them off because they may sting my heart, or make me cry, is like saying they count for nothing and had no purpose.  But, instead, I am finding healing. Unlike closure, which shuts a door and moves you on down the road of life but never really frees you to live, healing restores, makes whole, cures, reconciles,-- it frees you up to LIVE, not just continue on with life. I pray you understand the difference because it's HUGE! 

I'm not saying I will never again cry over the memories of my Daddy. And I'm sure if I flip back through the pages of this blog again in days to come, I may still be weepy when I remember those fun times. But, I can be free from the overwhelming grief that tries to completely bury me. I can look forward and look back with joy because of God's grace and healing power. 

There is a new hopeful day dawning, and I am certain of that because there is evidence of God's goodness and faithfulness in days past. He has already proved Himself. All I needed to do was look back and see.

If you are reading this and you are feeling overwhelmed, I hope you will read some old posts and find the God who gives relief, healing and life.
Then, if you would like, check out my other blog New Day Dawning here. (Click on the blog link. It's kind of new and trying to grow. Your visit will help it out!)   I would feel so blessed.

Self-discovery #1: I'd make someone a great pet.

I told you I am on a self-discovery journey. Yesterday I discovered something about myself quite serendipitously. I had to do some heavy thinking in order to burrow through the fodder on the surface to get down to the roots of the Who Am I revelation. I hope my stupid little story and discoveries might help you discover something about yourself as well. If not, I hope to at least leave you amused and wondering what in the world God was thinking when He fashioned me.

I think I've mentioned that I work at Sears as a large appliance sales associate. That's NOT WHO I am. I hate the job. Don't ask me why I do it. That's a whole different post. But it is important for you to know that I work on commission. If I don't sell, I don't make money. And if I am not pacing the floor in the department of the store, I can't hound approach customers, and I can't sell anything. So, success partly depends on simple presence.

I have a co-worker--I'll withhold his real name just in case he is innocent of my accusations, but I'm quite sure he is not, so we'll just call him Pavlov--who loves to get me out of the department and away from any potential customers. He's been successful more than once. The first time he committed such a dastardly deed--shame on him. His repeated offences--well--*

One other thing you need to know about Pavlov: his wife makes some really yummy, and I mean REALLY YUMMY homemade caramels. And he brings these things to work.

A few evenings ago, Pavlov and I had to "close" together. Anybody ,including Pavlov, that has ever closed up shop with me knows that I don't like to drag my feet. When the front door locks at 9:00 p.m. I want to be ready to walk out the back at 9:01. (If the manager will let me, but it has not happened yet.) Co-workers also know that if they decide to piddle around and not participate in closing duties that I will do them all by myself, just so I can get out of there and hurry home.

There are several closing duties that can go undone and unnoticed by management, but one that can't is the closing of the cash registers. Obviously.

When a register closes down, it prints out a closing receipt. If there is no paper, or "tape" in the little printer, the register won't close down, and if the register won't close down, I can't go home. That's why, when Pavlov walked up to me with a helpless and sad look on his face and said, "Lavonda, do you know where there might be some more register tape? I can't find any. ANYWHERE!" I quickly and without thought replied, "Sure. I'll go get some." (Pavlov has worked at Sears over 20 years. Strange that he doesn't know where they keep the new rolls of register tape don't ya think?)

That little errand took me off the floor for several minutes even though I went at a high trot. When I returned with a half dozen rolls of paper, Pavlov was closing a sale. He grinned as I, out of breath, rushed past him on my way to load a roll into the disabled register and finish up the closing chores.

After his customers left the store, he pulled a zip lock bag out of his pocket and so sweetly offered me one of his wife's YUMMY caramels.

Okay, you are probably way ahead of me here, but be patient with me. Self-discovery sometimes take a while.

It wasn't until I was home, sound asleep in my bed, that revelation, like a bucket of cold water in the face, happened. As I slept, the events of that day replayed on the big screen of my sleeping brain, as did several other instances in which Pavlov had done something to take advantage of WHO I am and then tried to "reward" me with something. Sometimes his wife's YUMMY caramels, sometimes a meaningless compliment, sometimes a useless piece of advice. (The compliments and advice never make my mouth water, but those caramels...)

Suddenly out of sleep I was yanked when I shouted to myself, "He's treating you like a dog!"

Yeah, Pavlov has figured out my temperament. He has observed my involuntary reflexes. He gives the command, I obey, and then he offers a reward. --*Shame on me.

So what have I discovered about myself? Yes, I'd make someone a pretty good pet.

• I do what ever I can to help people even when they mistreat me or take advantage of me. (I obey commands.)
• I'm slow to recognize when someone is taking advantage of me because I don't take advantage of others. (I come back, wagging my tail after I've been kicked.)
• Apparently I like rewards. (especially if the reward is a hunk of homemade caramel)
• I don't make a mess in the floor. (But that has nothing to do with this post.)

I felt so angry and ashamed that I let this guy treat me like this. I lay there in my bed thinking about what I ought to do the next time Pavlov decides to use who I am against me. I ought to tell him to go get the paper himself. I ought to make him answer the phone and deal with the angry customer while I sell to the lady who just walked through the door. I ought to get right in Pavlov's face and ...

Then the Holy Spirit spoke silently yet so certainly, "But that's not WHO you are. You are made in the image of God with a heart bent toward grace. You are a reflection of Jesus Christ, an obedient servant who does what's right, no matter what others do to you. You are filled with, yes, God's Holy Spirit, a helper. And remember those fruits: love, joy, peace patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control?"

So what will I do the next time Pavlov does something to get me off the floor or takes a customer from me? I'll probably, as usual, act instinctively, without thought. I will help, serve, minister, and do what is right--with grace and kindness--because that's who I am.

But when he pulls those caramels out of his pocket and my mouth starts to water, I'm going to firmly say, No! Thank! You! (I'll wait for my reward.)

The Dumps

"THE HOLIDAYS" are over. All of them. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's Day, and now even MLK Day, and I didn't blog a word about any of them. We didn't do much celebrating around here. In fact, we hardly noticed that any of the holidays came and went. "Bla" sums it up.

Now that we are halfway through the month of January, you'd think I'd be all bright eyed and bushy tailed, filled with new resolves, and bubbling over with hope for the year ahead. Strangely though, I am, well, still very much "Bla."

I'm not sure why I'm down in the dumps and out of such dumps I can't seem to drag myself. I don't believe any one particular thing has put me in this condition. No, it has been a combination of a whole bunch of stuff.  As my sweet and pious (and I mean that in a good way) sister put it, "2011 was the year from HELL." And for some unknown reason, there were enough sparks and embers left over to make the start of 2012 seem dark, scary, and smokey at best!

I know, this doesn't sound like me. I usually try to look on the bright side, right? So someone go head and slap me! Please! (Just don't everybody start ringing my door bell at once, okay?) I'm ready to feel happy about something, get excited about something, celebrate, and sing about something good! Oh HOW I'm ready! Unfortunately,  I've not been able to find that something.

I'm not ungrateful and I don't think I'm having a full blown pity party even though I do have a list of gripes. I know there are a lot of good things in my life. I am very blessed. Part of my dumpiness comes from sharing the hurts, disappointments, and burdens of others, not just my own.

If you feel like commenting and giving me all the pat answers that should fix my attitude problems, go right ahead. I'll consider that your "slap". (Insert smiley face.)

But what I really want to know from my readers is:
Honestly Now,

• How do you deal with major disappointment? (especially if you are honest enough to admit that you feel that disappointed came from the hand of God)

• Are you ever in the dumps and if so, what puts you there and how do you get out? 

• Do you ever see hope in every one's future but yours? How do you deal with that?

• Anything else you want to add here?

I really do want 2012 to be a better year. I'm praying for that. I'm praying for hope. Rain. Joy. Encouragement. Answers. Blessings. Vision. Direction. ....And discernment--to know what I should do to be in the middle of God's work and what I should NOT do so as not to get in His way!
Pray with me won't you?

Maybe I will get back before three more month waste away. You can anticipate a post about a  journey of self-discovery a friend of mine has encouraged me to take. I'll post more about it later because now I need to rush out the door to work. (#1 on my list of gripes).

Roasted Mouse

I'm not a good blogger. Period. A good blogger blogs every day, maybe more than once per day. Also, good bloggers usually have a theme or a focused topic for their blogs. I WANT to be a good blogger, but I can't seem to make it happen. *sigh* I am not consistent in posting, and I obviously have a problem with "theme" except to share my Dashing and Bold life with you. I have come to the conclusion that the reason I'm so bad at regular posting (at least for the past year) is because Dashing and Bold has turned into Dull and Boring

 But, I'm here to testify, God is good! He sees me in my sad, bland condition and sends a Dash of adventure. He knows I like a little spice!

Even though hubby is currently between storms and the RV is parked at our "real house", he still sleeps and showers and sometimes watches TV in it because 1) that is much easier than moving all his stuff in and out every time he has to deploy, 2) the bed in the RV is larger and more comfy than our bed in the house, 3) the TV in the RV is HD and the one in the house is not.

I spend my  nights with him in the big comfy bed, but all my "stuff" is in the house. So, if the neighbors are up and looking out their windows late at night or early in the morning, they might get a glimpse of me hotfooting it back and forth in my housecoat. Oh, let them talk--they probably need a little spice too.

A few days ago, very early in the morning, I woke with a start. I punched hubby in the shoulder, "Something's burning!" (We live in a state of Fire Alert due to the drought.)

He popped up and yanked open the window shades to look for smoke. I stumbled out of bed and hurried to the door and poked my head out. No smoke. No fire. Outside the air was fresh. I closed the door, then it hit me.

The unmistakable aroma of roasting mouse! (I start to gag just thinking about it.)

Apparently, the fur coat God gave this particular little rodent didn't satisfy it, so it ventured onto our furnace to warm its little feet. Or, perhaps it was just wondering through, hunting for something to chew, and happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time when the heater came on. Either way, warm STINKY air blew through the vents, filling our small space.

Satisfied that our lives were not in danger, I went back to bed and tried to go back to sleep. Every time the heater came on, the horrible smell woke me up. I tried sleeping with my head under the covers, but for some reason, I got the feeling that oxygen doesn't exist between bed sheet. I'm sure there is some scientific proof, but I haven't had time to Google it. Finally I gave up and did my hotfoot thing back to the house.

My husband is a good man, and I don't mean to be critical. Honestly. But this next part of the story is important.


Naturally I informed asked him if, later in the day, he could remove the mouse from the heater so the putrid odor would go away. He spent a few minutes making excuses explaining how he would have to take out the VERY HEAVY washing machine, tear into the...remove the...break the...try to open the... And he ended by saying that he thought that the burner part of the heater was a sealed unit and there was no possible way a mouse could get in there.

Well. Okay then. Hmmm. What WAS that awful smell?

And he logically reasoned: Surely if it WAS a mouse, the little varmint was "done" by now and the worst of the stink was gone. (I tried not to let him see me roll my eyes.)

Fast forward to the next evening. I do my hotfoot thing across the yard to the RV to go to bed, temperature drops, heater comes on, and WHOP! The smell of mouse a la cart slaps me in the face. All. Night. Long. It was a very long night.

Thankfully the stink was so bad, it interrupted hubby's sleep as well. The next day he decided to do what was impossible to do the day before. Get rid of the mouse.

The process took only a short time and a small amount of effort. "It wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. I should have done it yesterday." --Hubby 


Unfortunately, all those hours of slow roasting the mouse embedded the stench  into the curtains, the furniture, the walls,  the glass windows...Okay, maybe not the windows. But I can promise you one thing: it is going to take a whole lot more effort and time to get rid of the stink now than it did to simply get rid of the mouse.

This furry little fellow is a lot like sin, don't you think? How often do we hold tightly to some sin or vice, knowing it is stinking up our lives, yet refuse to do anything about it? We can always come up with reasons why our stinky little problem is too hard or even impossible to remove. We may even deny that we have sin in our hearts or reason that if we just leave it alone, pretty soon it will just go away.

God's Word lets us know, without a doubt, that sin has consequences. Here is just one example. (2 Samuel 24:10-15)

I think I'm going to take a good long look at this photo of my roasted mouse and store it in my memory bank. Then the next time the Holy Spirit taps my heart and tells me something nasty is cooking in there, I'll decide to act quickly and get rid of it, before it permanently stinks up everything and everybody around  me. After all, it's not as hard to do as I might think, and I'm sure I should have done it yesterday.

Please feel free to comment or give testimony. 

Drought

 It really has been almost ten months since I've been here. I've not been having a lot of fun and time has not exactly flown. Yet I am a bit bewildered when I look at the calendar. There's been no writing or reading here--blog world, I've missed you! (Do I have blog-world friends left at all?)

Why have I been away so long? Drought.

I'm sure you've heard; it has been on the news and in the papers. Texas is in exceptional drought. Even the prickly pear have turned yellow and shriveled.

It's been a tough year. Since my last post, we've experienced temperatures ranging from -6º F in January with windchill in the -20ºs, to 111º F in June. In Amarillo we've had, if my memory is correct, about 50 days of temperatures that exceeded 100º. Unbelievably high winds through the winter, spring, and most of the summer fanned wild fires that burned millions of acres and destroyed thousands of homes. My own neighborhood was forced to evacuate twice this year because of fires. And still fires are being fought daily across the state.

In all my life I've never see the land so parched. Crops have failed, ranchers have been forced to sell their herds, lakes and wells have dried up, and cities have restricted water usage. I've literally cried for my beloved state.

Harsh weather and lack of rain are not the things, necessarily, that have kept me away from this blog. It's been a personal drought: a life draining dryness of my soul. I've had no words or thoughts to share. I feel like an empty well.

The past several months have not been all bad though. God has blessed hubby and me with two new granddaughters. One was born in July and one is expected to make her arrival in November. Our parents, our children, and our grandchildren were all here for a visit recently. Bills are paid and food is in the refrigerator. God is still on His throne and He is good.

But there have been some disappointments, struggles, frustrations, and down right dull days. That's life, huh?
Of all the events and daily grind that come to mind, I can't decided which has been most draining and  frustrating. The one thing about which I've probably complained the most  is my job and the fact that I have to have one. Yes, the bad financial condition of our country has touched whacked our lives.

I think the last time I posted, I was unemployed. Shortly after that post, I went to work at Sears selling (or trying to sell) large appliances. I won't take up space with a bunch of details. All I will say is--BLECH! Don't get me wrong. In this rough economy, I am thankful to have a job when I need one. So many people are not as fortunate. The problem is--I'm not crazy about commissioned sales, and being tied down to a job keeps me from traveling with hubby when he is working. I don't think "sales" is what God created me to do.

Imagine if you will, hiking up a steep mountain wearing one shoe that is two sizes too large and the other that is two sizes too small. That's me in a commissioned sales position: a total misfit! Though I'm very uncomfortable doing what I do to make a few bucks, I am trying to learn something from the experience. Whatever lesson God has for me, I want to learn it quickly so I can move on and OUT of there, on to bigger, better, and more fulfilling things.

While I've been stuck at home working for Sears, hubby has had a few deployments, worked hard, and kept the bills paid. (And yes, I've pouted about missing out on the travels and adventures.) He is home now, between storms... Those of you who have followed this blog for a while know what that means. My anxiety meter pegs from time to time. *sigh* Some day I'm going to get a handle on that problem. I hope.

In the mean time, I'm praying for rain--I don't know about you, but I am way past ready for a long, steady, life restoring rain--and I'm digging a little deeper in the bottom of my dry inner well. I've not hit a spring yet, but I have come across a clod or two of damp dirt. I know, down deep, the Spirit of the living God resides in me and has the ability and desire to gush! I don't understand nor can I explain this season of drought. All I know is, I'm tired of it!

Dear Lord, let it rain!

Brain Stew and Cornbread

One time when I was a kid, my parents hosted a "Hobo Party." All the attendees dressed in ratty clothes, mussed their hair, and did whatever else they could think to do to fit in with the hobo theme. It was an outdoor affair, in the fall of the year, so a big popping fire provided warmth and ambiance. There were games, a talent contest, conversation, and stew.

Every person brought a can of something--didn't matter what--and dumped it into one big pot to create Hobo Stew. I think it was a good thing that the darkness of night made it hard to see what we were eating, but surprisingly, the stew's flavor was good. Very good. I don't know if it was because I was a kid and the romance of eating my supper out of a tin can while keeping warm by a big fire overpowered my taste buds, or if the stew was really a culinary masterpiece. Either way, I enjoyed the mess.

This morning I've tried to collect my thoughts and plan my day. "Get organized" as my mother-in-law would say. It's not going so well. My brain is like one big kettle of hobo stew. Illuminated by a dim flickering of firelight, there is a green bean, a slimy piece of okra, a little round pea, a slice of carrot, some tomato, a bit of potato, something that might resemble meat, and what in the world is that floating there? humm... My efforts to get it all together is working like a giant spoon whirling around in the pot.

An assortment of circumstances, a bundle of emotions, a pound or two of problems--all dumped together and stirred create Brain Stew. Here are just a few of my ingredients.

• Part-time temporary job unexpectedly cut short two weeks ago--thankful for the cash while it lasted
• Car broken down and in the shop--glad I even have a car
• No job = strain to pay for repairs--thankful for honest fairly priced mechanic
• Need car to hunt for job--should I hunt for a job OR
• Will deployment come for hubby soon--relieved God knows and holds the future
• Wish for skywriting from God--need direction, instruction, and answers
• Baby daughter home from Christmas vacation wearing engagement ring--joyous melancholy flood of conflicting emotions
• Concern for friends with health and financial issues--thankful for friends
• Apprehension about new year--thankful for past blessings
• Does the wind HAVE to blow so hard!?!?! (My West Texas readers will understand)

And the list goes on. My stew pot is full and boiling, almost to the point of overflowing. Before ya know it, I may be forced to stuff cornbread in my ears to catch the drips.

I've been praying and hoping that God will clear my muddled mind so that my questions and concerns will be answered and His plan for me will be obvious. You might say I want to peer into my cooking vessel and see through distilled water all the way to the bottom of the pot. But that has not come to be.

I will admit that I'm starting to feel a bit frustrated. Why can't life be simple and easy? Why must there always be an obstacle and a challenge? Why can't everything be as clear as distilled water?

Maybe because Jesus said it wouldn't be easy.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

 Or maybe it's about character building.

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

But the brother of humble circumstances is to glory in his high position; and the rich man is to glory in his humiliation, because like flowering grass he will pass away. For the sun rises with a scorching wind and withers the grass; and its flower falls off and the beauty of its appearance is destroyed; so too the rich man in the midst of his pursuits will fade away.

Blessed is a man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him. James 1:2-12

Or maybe it is because a pot full of clear water and a distilled life can't prove to the world whom we serve.
 
We work together with God, and we beg you to make good use of God’s kindness to you.

In the Scriptures God says, “When the time came, I listened to you, and when you needed help, I came to save you.”

That time has come. This is the day for you to be saved.

We don’t want anyone to find fault with our work, and so we try hard not to cause problems. But in everything and in every way we show that we truly are God’s servants. We have always been patient, though we have had a lot of trouble, suffering, and hard times. We have been beaten, put in jail, and hurt in riots. We have worked hard and have gone without sleep or food. But we have kept ourselves pure and have been understanding, patient, and kind. The Holy Spirit has been with us, and our love has been real. We have spoken the truth, and God’s power has worked in us. In all our struggles we have said and done only what is right.

Whether we were honored or dishonored or praised or cursed, we always told the truth about ourselves. But some people said we did not. We are unknown to others, but well known to you. We seem to be dying, and yet we are still alive. We have been punished, but never killed, and we are always happy, even in times of suffering. Although we are poor, we have made many people rich. And though we own nothing, everything is ours. 2 Corinthians 6:1-10 Contemporary English Version

Distilled water doesn't have any flavor. So, I guess I'll stop stirring for a while and simply let my brain stew simmer until I can taste the deliciousness of it all.

Will somebody please pass the cornbread?

Let's make a difference

What will they say at your funeral? What will be etched on your headstone?

I'm not being morbid. I'm asking these questions of myself as well.

I recently celebrated (On second thought, I didn't exactly celebrate--it was more like suffered through.) another 40-something birthday. My hair looks a little whiter every day, and at some buffet restaurants the young little girls at the counter give me the senior discount without asking my age. I've got aches and pains that Aleve can't alleviate, and those squirrels that run around in my head get lost on a regular basis. Yeah, I'm aging, and I'm not going to live forever. Well, not on this planet anyway. Death is a natural part of life, and though I don't dwell on it or even think about it often, I do, from time to time, wonder...will I be remembered when I'm gone? If so, what will be my remembrance? What will they say at my funeral?

Will they say, "She was so DASHING and BOLD?" I hope so! I hope they will say that--and more. Much, much more.

I've never wanted fame. Most people have a hard time pronouncing my name, so I'm not expecting it to become a household word. What I do want--is to make a difference. I want to know that someone's life has been changed for the better because I existed. And the more lives that are changed, the better.

Over the last several months, my spirit has been impressed, almost obsessed, with the desire to give what I have and do what I can to bring about change in the lives of people. I'm not talking about change via the Obama way. I want to do it God's way.

I'm reading books, praying, seeking God's guidance, and I still don't feel like I've got a definitive plan. I don't see the whole picture and can't say with certainty what God has "called" me to do. But I know one thing for certain. I'm supposed to be doing what I can--today--every day--no matter where I am or what I have to work with, to change another person's life for the better and bring glory to God in the process.

Where am I today? Camped in my own back yard. (Not much dashing and bold going on here.)
What do I have to work with? (See my last post) My addiction: yarn and fabric, hooks, needles, a sewing machine, a little know-how, and a few broken hours of time.
What can I do with what I have where I am? Have you heard of Warm Up America?

Here it is in a nutshell. Knitters and crocheters from all over the country spend a small amount of time and money to knit or crochet a few (or even just one) 7"x9" rectangle. Those individual rectangles are joined together to make warm blankets which can be donated to homeless shelters, The Red Cross, women's shelters, etc. (Click on the link above and read all about it. Then come back here and finish reading.)

You know, because of my dashing and bold life, it is hard if not impossible for me to be involved in "group" type activities. Weekly or even monthly meetings? I might be here and I might not. Today I can make plans to attend a meeting tomorrow and before the meeting time I could be on the road three states away. Since nothing is impossible for God...

I see no reason why Dashing and Bold people can't get together on line and through good old fashioned snail mail to form a new Warm Up America group. Do I have any readers who knit, crochet, or quilt and would like to do something very small to bless someone who needs to feel the warmth of a blanket and God's love?
Or maybe some of you don't have a crafting addiction but would like to help by buying yarn or fabric, or by paying for some postage.

Won't you join me in this little thing? Please know--one person may not be able to do a lot, but a lot of people can do a little. Those little things, when combined and done for the glory of God, can change a life for the better. If you want to get involved, please leave a comment or click on the link in my menu bar to contact me. I'll need to know how to contact you. Let me know how you would like to help and I'll give you more details as our group comes together. (Even though the WUA web site offers only knit and crochet patterns, I have instructions for making individual quilt blocks that can be combined to make a nice quilt, so our group won't be limited to yarn only.)

I'm looking forward to hearing from you!

Where are you and what do you have to work with? What will people say at your funeral?
I would like my marker to read--She made a difference.

Chicago and beyond

Okay y'all--I've been so busy walking uphill to do the laundry, sewing, and trying to adjust to a REALLY bad hair cut, that I've not spent any time blogging. Who wants to read about the the old worn out washer getting out of balance during every spin cycle? And I'm NOT going to show you the bad hair cut! Ugh! I will show you pictures of my sewing projects...in a minute.

Life really has been pretty dull these past few weeks. The heat, humidity, and misquotes have kept me from taking a paddle boat ride on the lake or playing a round of mini golf. Hubby and I have taken a bike ride around the park most evenings, and aside from the bug bites, that has been the high point of my days.

Hubby has had about all of the Chicago traffic and crowded streets he can stand, so it was a very thoughtful thing he did last Sunday--took me into the city to look around a bit.

Here are all of my pictures. I didn't take very many in Chicago. Where the streets are narrow and the buildings are tall, VERY tall, it is hard to get far enough away from anything to get a good shot. I saw several people who were...um...how should I say it...kinda different. Like the three guys prissing walking down the street together, all dress identically in sleeveless pink plaid western shirts, (They can't really be western shirts if the sleeves are missing, but they did have those western yokes.) jeans, black belts, and sad (Chicago version) western straw hats. I don't think they were members of  a country western band. I thought about taking pictures of them, but decided against it.

Yeah, some of the folks here are a little different.

I also saw at least three different stores, within a three block walk, where hundreds of hand blown and artistic bongs were sold. Not my kind of souvenir.

I enjoyed riding around downtown Chicago. The buildings...the crowds...and the confirmation that I'm a country girl. Chicago is an okay place to visit, but I sure wouldn't want to live there!

Chicago's public library

Any sports fans out there? We just happened to drive by Wrigley Field right before the game started. People people people people--Oh my goodness the traffic and people! Cops were directing traffic and pedestrians, or at least they were trying. All those Cubs fans were pretty much walking and driving when and where they wanted.

If you can't get tickets inside the ball park, then maybe you can get a seat atop one of the businesses across the street.

For you football fans, yes we drove by Soldier Field. I was very impressed. It was pouring rain at the time and because there were a lot of activities going on in that part of town that day, there was no place to park. I didn't get a picture. I'm kinda sad about that because it is a cool looking stadium.

NASCAR fans, don't feel left out. We also drove by and took a look at the Chicagoland Speedway in Joliet. Seen one speedway you've seen em' all, right? Well, maybe not, but I didn't take any photos there either. Gates were locked and we couldn't get very close. But now hubby can say he's been there.

Look at all those tall skinny houses! How do people live like that? And like it?

When buildings are this close together, this country girl starts humming that "Elbow Room" song.

My favorite part of the day was the little bit of time we spent at Lake Michigan.

The sky was cloudless. When I got out of the truck down by the lake, helicopters flew over. How many do you see in this picture? The one in the lower left corner...that's a big ol' dragon fly!  I was so proud that I was able to catch all three in the same frame! Whoo hoo!

The water was so blue and so clear! Absolutely beautiful!

It was a hot day--so hot the birds were panting.

The best part of our lake visit was it enabled me to make progress in completing my toe dippin' project. What's that? Well, I have a goal. I want to dip my toes in all the major bodies of water that surround this great country. So far I've dipped my toes into the Atlantic Ocean, the Pacific Ocean, the Gulf of Mexico, Lake Ontario, ...

 and now Lake Michigan. Just three lakes to go! I'm trying to decide if I should add the Alaskan Gulf and the Bering Sea to my list. What do you think?

While wading in the lake, I saw this cute little heart shaped rock. All together now...AWWwwww.

That about does it for our day in the big city. We did take a few minutes on a different day and checked out the old Joliet prison. It has been in several movies over the years. With all the hype you'd think they would offer tours, but driving around the outside is the whole experience.

There was this sign on the fence though.

Well DUH! I don't know why this made me laugh, but it did.

Now we've said goodbye to Chicago and moved on down the road. Ever heard of Edwardsville, IL? Me neither--until now. We will be here a week and then, if we are not redeployed, will be homeward bound.
So, a new campground, a new laundry room, and another page in this adventure. I'll be looking for the dashing and bold!

Oh yeah! Before I go, I did promise to show you my sewing projects. Do I have any seamstress readers? If so, what are you sewing?

This is a "retro" apron I made for a friend. I had fun making it and was tempted to keep it for myself.  (Aren't I awful?)

I wanted a new summer robe. If this doesn't wake me up in the mornings I don't know what will! What can I say...Bold isn't it!?!

Caught in a whirlwind

It has been so long since I used my computer, it didn't even know me any more! I had to type all kinds of passwords to get back in here.

I feel like I got caught up in one of those West Texas whirl winds, aka a big ol' dirt devil. We were home just a couple days when we packed our bags and headed to the DFW area for a class hubby had to take. I vegetated in a motel room for three days, then we drove to Houston and spent a few glorious days with some of our kids. Then it was back to Amarillo where we worked frantically to get the mowing and the laundry and all those other have-to things done. Early on our fourth day back home my sis called--my mom had fallen and broken her ankle, so we were off to Lubbock where we spent two days with family sitting in a hospital. We drove home again on Saturday night, then Sunday just as church let out, the phone rang. Deployed! I spent the rest of the day scrambling to get everything ready to go, so early Monday morning we took off for Chicago.

Whew! After two days on the road we got here on Tuesday and I just now caught my breath.

My camera has been stowed away, so that picture-a-day thing I was supposed to be doing--well--you didn't really think I could pull it off without interruption did you? They say that if you write a blog and want to keep and grow your readership, you must make frequent, regular posts. If I were a teacher, I'd give me an F! At this rate, I'm lucky to have anyone still reading. (Are those crickets I hear?)
So to all you who are still checking in here to see if I've fallen off the edge of the planet or if I've penned some fascinating story or have some wise inspiration or witty words to share, THANKS! Your are the best!

So what have I been doing?
I've been trying to get organized and settled in here. You know I never settle in too deeply, but I do have to unpack just a few things to make daily living a little more practical. I've also been preoccupied with a sewing project. It is a gift for a friend, so I'll show you pictures after she receives it. Sometimes I wonder what in the world we were thinking when we decided I could haul a sewing machine and sewing supplies around with us, but I've enjoyed reviving an old hobby. And, it keeps me off the streets and out of trouble.

Now I'm about to do something here that I DON'T LIKE TO DO!  I'm going to commit myself. Okay, I know I need to be committed--wearing one of those nice coats that have sleeves that tie in the back, but that's not what I mean. This time anyway. I'm going to commit to coming back here tomorrow to tell you all about the place we are staying. IT'S A RESORT! You remember that that key word, resort, is a bit relative don't you? Just in case you don't remember, click on the preceding link. This place is nothing like the resort in Ohio, but I'll show you around tomorrow.

Right now I need to go snap some fresh green beans and peel some carrots. I smell the roast, which means it's almost tender by now! So Lord willin' and the creek don't rise...yes we have a creek...I'll be back tomorrow.

You mean it's not all about ME? and other stuff

No I didn't get lost. I've just not been at the keyboard much the past several days. See, I have this "condition"--dry eye--and it has really been bothering me. It has been so bad that blinking has caused me real pain. (Not fake pain) So I've avoided the computer because staring at a computer screen for hours makes my condition worse. Today, though, I gave in, put some gooey drops in my winkers, and here I am. 

Let me see--(easier said than done with these drops in my eyes) I think in my last post I told you we were going to relocate. And we did. Hubby found a mobile home/RV park that had one RV space available, so we took it. We are in Gillette now.

The view out my back window is not the baby mountain I had before. No, it is quite different.

I think I'm looking at the back side of a power company. The other day I watched a big set of claws unload a truck full of high line posts. Transformers, spools of wire, and a bunch of stuff I can't identify rest just beyond a drainage ditch and vacant lot behind our spot. See, I told you we aren't on vacation.

We are also located just a few dozen paces from a ...


Gillette is a coal mining town. So several times a day, (and night) coal trains, along with regular freight trains, come and go and come and go and come and go and... Well, you get the picture. Too bad I can't post sound here too. WOO WOO!!!! DING DING DING DING!!! WOOOO WOOOOO!!!!!


It's not all bad though. The move enables hubby to get an extra hour of sleep every morning, gets him home and hour earlier every night, and saves us several dollars in fuel costs each day. I've got a whole bunch of sparrows that will eat an entire feeder full of food in a single day. And God knows I need a little entertainment sometimes, so today, this guy wandered into town.

He seemed a little lost and confused. I could tell he felt out of place, but I thanked the Lord for sending him for my enjoyment and took his picture. I hope he made it back out to the open countryside without encountering a car or truck.

This morning visitor made me think. (Yes, here I go again.)

 In your adventure of following the Lord, have you ever felt like a wild buck stuck in the middle of a busy town? Did you wonder what in the world you were doing there? Did you think that because you were so frightened or lost or felt so out of place that surely you had missed God's direction or call on your life?

Did you ever stop to think that maybe outside your security and comfort zone where God placed you was not all about His plan for you but about His plan to bless someone else? And maybe, just maybe, He wanted to do that through you?

I'm going to try to keep this deer in mind the next time I'm a bit uncomfortable in the place God puts me. If I start to whine, and cry and complain, you can remind me that it's not all about me. Just remind me with love, okay?

Okay, now on to the other stuff.

Sunday hubby didn't work. It poured rain here all day and he usually tries to take some time off on Sunday anyway, so it worked out great. We loaded up in the truck and headed for a place that some of you might think was named for me. But it wasn't. Crazy Woman Canyon. There is more than one legend in these parts about the Crazy Woman...I'll let you do the research for yourself. Just keep in mind, I'm not her! (You might think differently if you'd been with me as I tried to take pictures on our drive through the canyon.)

Our drive took us through some of the most beautiful ranch land I've ever seen in my whole life. And, being that I'm a ranch girl from Texas, I've seen a LOT of pretty ranch land. Honestly, I saw so much beauty my eyes could hardly take it all in. Rolling hills, mountains, canyons, creeks, ponds, wild life, domesticated animal, ...

I'll try to keep my narration down to a minimum so you can just enjoy the pictures. (Which by the way, can't even begin to do to the scenery  justice at all.) For this part of my bold adventure, you are going to need to put your chair in front of your opened freezer/refrigerator, get out a bag of frozen peas and place it on the back of your neck, and have someone spritz you with a water bottle ever now and then because it was a cool and rainy day.

I didn't get to see the animal that left this pile behind, but I used all my detective skills and sound reasoning and determined it must have been an elk. These "pills" were too big to have come from a deer.

 

It seemed as if you could almost pluck the clouds from the sky and eat them as cotton candy.

I'm sure you've noticed the snow. Hubby and I had a little discussion as to whether it was freshly fallen or still melting in the spring thaw.

I finally conceded when we saw snow still resting on top of the branches and fence posts. Yes, it had snowed the night before we took our drive. At somewhere over 8,000 feet in elevation, it was cool. (Hubby thought it was COLD.)

But he's not a woman trapped in the purgatory of mid-life. What does he know? I called the day "crisp."

As we entered Crazy Woman Canyon, we saw a sign that said downhill traffic should give right-of-way to uphill traffic. I thank the good Lord that we didn't meet anybody going uphill! I honestly don't know where downhill traffic was supposed to pull over and let anyone by! I kept making poor hubby stop in the middle of the road so I could get out and take pictures. He was very patient with me but I'm sure that before we got out of the canyon he was sure The Crazy Woman was in the truck cab with him.

Okay, okay, okay...I see you squirming in your seat and the peas have lost their cool. You know the crazy woman took way too many pictures...I won't force you to look at all of them. After all, it's not all about me. ;)